Birthday Eve
Tomorrow is my 34th birthday.
I have this perpetual feeling that I’m not there yet, there being some nebulous idea of a place that I can’t quite get my arms around. I’ve had this feeling for as long as I can remember…
“If I just hold it together until I’m a senior in high school, I’ll get it.”
“If I can just make it to twenty-one, things will make more sense.”
“Thirty… thirty must be the magic number.”
“Thirty wasn’t it. How about thirty-five?”
So here I am at might-as-well-be-thirty-four-years-old and this much I’ve figured out: I don’t think life is ever going to make much sense to me. I don’t mean that in a bad way, I just sort of think that maybe spending so much time trying to understand most things is really just a waste of time.
People are probably at the top of that list. There are a few handfuls of folks that I love dearly and cherish deeply, but for the most part, humanity just isn’t that humane and is barely worth the carbon content that makes up their cells. I guess it doesn’t affect me too much if I turn off the news and stay away from newspapers. On the whole, people are generally just out for themselves—which makes sense from a Darwinian point of view, I guess… but it sure produces a lot of lonely, unhappy, and downright ugly people.
Maybe I understand people better than I think.
What passes for success nowadays is an equally baffling subject. From manufactured pop stars and reality TV whores, to politicians and overpaid sports heroes who kill dogs for fun… To paraphrase Mark Twain, Delusion ain’t just a river in Egypt.
I’m beginning to sound like a grumpy old fart but that’s not my intention.
I think my point is that despite everything, I’m doing okay. I have friends and family who I love and who love me. I have a job, that pays the bills. I have a roof over my head and food to fill my fat belly. All things being equal, each morning I wake up and can do the things I want to do. I try my best to do right by the people around me and hope that they’re doing the same when it comes to me.
In the end, I think that’s all you can do.
